On listening

It will come as no surprise to read that counselling is a lot about listening. Listening actively, attentively, and deeply.

Listening to what is said, and leaving space for what is unsaid.

Political, economic, and cultural upheaval has meant the last 12 months have been particularly difficult for many of us. It has left many people struggling; the statistics showing the impact on our collective mental health are quite devastating.

If a friend, relative, or colleague comes to you in distress, it can feel second nature to look for solutions, to problem-solve, or to advise. But in this challenging wider picture, when what afflicts us feels so out of our control, we can be left feeling helpless. ‘What can I say, when there is ultimately nothing I can do to help?’

At times like these, remember the power of being present and truly listening. Of holding firm with someone, even when the way ahead feels unknowable.

Try these ideas, to help you listen meaningfully:

1. Focus
   Give someone your undivided attention. No phones, no distractions. This can be hard - sitting with someone in their pain isn’t easy.

2. It’s all about them
   Drawing similarities between their situation and something you have been through can feel like an empathetic thing to do, but it can leave someone feeling unheard. Approach the conversation with the intention of not talking about yourself at all.

3. Sit with a silence
   Opening up doesn’t come easily to everyone. It takes courage, and often means having to face down fear or shame. If someone pauses, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have finished - they may just be trying to find the right words. Try letting the silence hang, without stepping in to fill it.

4. Problem-solving can come later
   Helping someone find a solution to a practical situation can be really helpful, but don’t dive straight in with suggestions. This is about listening, letting someone feel at ease with exploring their emotions with you. That may be exactly what they want from you in that moment, and jumping in with a ‘solution’ can shut that down. Be a sounding board, not a Swiss Army knife.

None of this is easy, and it all takes practice.

The act of listening to someone’s fears, of helping them to be seen and understood when all around them feels in chaos, is sometimes all we can give - and everything that is needed.